Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
