my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
