this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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