True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
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I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
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I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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