only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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