You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
