When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
