I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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