I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
false alarm. still invincible.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
