So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
