i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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