During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
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i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
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I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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