she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
