R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
