You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
