Rock
Scissors
Fuck
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
