I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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