I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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