can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I would fuck him just for his dog
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
