Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
