And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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