Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
