There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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