and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
