i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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