Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
