You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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