Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
