But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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