when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
