if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
