FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
