I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
