Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
