No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
