In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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