I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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