I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
