that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
