I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
