God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
