evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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