I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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