my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
