God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
