Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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