I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
