apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
