Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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