Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
