mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
