just come out here and I will go home with you...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
