I want to have your abortion
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
This baby is an asshole
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
