Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
